Build Like An Ant: How My Mom Helped Me Become Valedictorian

Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, has sparked a lot of discussion on Asian parenting styles. Her demanding, strict and authoritarian parenting style is displayed through stories of her relationship with her daughters.

Ms. Chua expects her daughters to be at the top of their class in every subject and does not allow them to participate in sleep-overs, play dates, or school plays. Instead, she pushes her daughters to achieve by motivating them to study or practice violin and piano by whatever means necessary. Whether it’s by threatening to throw away toys, yelling demeaning names, or even withholding food, Ms. Chua enforces achievement.

There have been many reactions both positive and negative to Ms. Chua, and while I don’t necessarily agree with Ms. Chua’s parenting style, I can begin to understand where she is coming from. Actually, I think that all Asian immigrant families can understand where her extremely high standards and drastic measures to ensure her daughters succeed come from.

There is a pervasive viewpoint within Asian culture that the only way to move up in society is through education. This is especially accentuated among Asian immigrants who have sought out America as the place to start over in pursuit of a better life.

Many Asian immigrants in America are educated and had a comfortable life back in their native land. It is usually these types of Asians that immigrate to America because of the sheer cost of picking up and moving from China or Korea to America, leaving behind good jobs, friends and family. As a result, the emphasis on scholastic achievement first generation Asian parents place on their children is magnified. And the ultimate scholastic achievement is entrance to Harvard.

It is not unusual for Asian immigrants to measure the success of a parent by where their child goes to college. As a result, whether it is setting strict rules, hiring expensive tutors, or ruthlessly demanding achievement, Asian parents are willing to do whatever it takes for their child to get into a highly ranked college.

While my own mother’s parenting is in stark contrast to the Asian, tiger mom stereotype, the expectation of high academic achievement was not lost on me. In fact, my mother first set these expectations. Then they became my own.

My mother would read and solve math problems with me as a child after school. We went through books and books on learning the ABCs, multiplication tables, and reading comprehension in addition to homework. Any mistakes I made were corrected, and we didn’t move on until I got it right.

We always worked together until I finished a worksheet or problem set. We never stopped early, no matter how much I complained. However, she never raised her voice, never threatened to take away my toys or expressed any sort of disgust if I kept making mistakes.

She was always very patient and composed. She would review and review concepts with me that she had gone over ten times without visible disdain. She pushed me to do my very best and never punished me for not getting an answer wrong. Rather, she would patiently teach me how to solve the problem correctly – over and over. And she made me do it over and over until I learned it.

Through these experiences I learned what my mom expected of me: to do things right, to finish, and to be the very best I could be. And my mom learned how I responded to making mistakes of my own and what the best way was for her to respond.

The biggest difference between my mother and “tiger moms” is that she established an environment in which I wasn’t afraid to fail. Many Asian students take tests in fear not because of doing poorly, but rather because of the punishment they’d face if their score doesn’t measure up to their parents expectations. Fear is almost a universal tactic in Asian households to motivate kids to achieve.

I was never afraid to take a bad test score home. Did I think my mom would be disappointed? Yes, and she would be, but at the same time, I knew her immediate response would be to start thinking of constructive ways to make sure it didn’t happen again. My mom never dwelled on one bad test score. She knew I was also disappointed with my performance and the best way she could respond would be to help me look forward and start coming up with a list of ways I could do better next time.

My mother never coddled or patronized me – she affirmed me. Her words of affirmation were enough to instill confidence and motivation for me to go after big goals, like becoming valedictorian. And she trusted me. She knew that I had made her expectations of high performance my own. She just got out of the way.

My mom has been the biggest influence in my life and these lessons are only a select few. Overall, my mother’s lessons that helped me become valedictorian can be summed up by this question that I ask myself to this day,

What could you accomplish if you knew you couldn’t fail?

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